Marci 11/16/01-02/20/07

I can hardly believe I am typing this. It is so unreal to me, our dear shih tzu Marci passed away, it just happened so fast. Friday she was a little 'off', being a little distant, but she still ate and played. Saturday she was very quiet, did not meet Todd at the door, and would not eat, all very unlike her. I tried to get her to eat a few times on sunday and told Todd on the phone I thought she was sick. Late sunday afternoon I noticed some brown urine spots, and as it got later it turned into red blood. I called the vet tech who said to come in in the morning. The night went very badly and she was much worse by morning. I took her in and they kept her all day running tests. They were unable to really figure out what was wrong, but they were concerned if she would make it through the night. We decided to bring her home where she was comfortable. We talked to her, loved on her, cried for her and took pictures with her. They are fairly sure she had cancer and everything was just shutting down. Bleeding internally, no immune system to fight anything.
Todd and I adopted her shortly before we got married and named her for the first bottle of wine we ever drank together, Marcelina Cabernet. We named her Marcelina and called her Marci. She was our 'first born' and my first pet. We are going to miss her so much! I just can't believe this happened!
We are still in shock. As I sit here typing this I look over to the kitchen and her bowls of water and food are still sitting there. I just can't bring myself to pick them up. Over the last few days we have realized how many of our habits and routines include her. I have been crying all week and I know it will become less painful with time but I really miss her and love her so much.

Marci-
I miss your spunk, your love for life. I miss your bark and one of a kind howl. I miss you sitting beside me on the couch and sleeping below me at night. I will miss talking to you and telling you my secrets. My dear Marcelina, I love you and miss you so much!
Mommy-

New routine

A few nights ago Todd called about bed time to talk to Kylie and tell her goodnight. The next night I debated on calling him to talk to her but was worried to start the routine and him not be available, but she kept asking for 'daddy au jus'. Well tonight we decided to give it a try and see what happens, so I got her all ready, tucked in, and then called him and they talked. She went to sleep with no objections and so proud of herself for getting to talk to her daddy and the fishies. They are so close, he is such a good dad. He really misses being able to spend time with her. I know his relationship with Maya will grow over time too, but the connection between Todd and Kylie makes me want to cry. It hurt me last night when he called too late and didn't get to talk to her, the disappointment in his voice made my heart break. I am just being sentimental I know, but just so proud of him.

My sweet Maya Jane...

So many days I have been frustrated by you. When talking to people I refer to you as my difficult child. Today I began reflecting on this after a friend of mine reminded me to think about what I will remember about this time in 5 years. I decided I didn’t like what I thought, it made me sad to think of you growing up, even though you will. Even though I am tired, I want to hold on to this time. Savor it, experience it, enjoy it. Every child is different, they say, and oh how true.Tonight after along day of fussing, crying and feeding, I held you asleep on my shoulder, completely relaxed, deep breathing, completely dependent. I became teary eyed and talked to you about how much you mean to me, how much I love you. I am sorry if I have blamed you for the way I feel. It is not you, it is my attitude. Having a baby isn’t about me, but about you. For months while pregnant with you last year I wanted you to kick, I wanted you to get my attention. It was such a tough time for us and we went through so much, I wanted to know that you were alright. You are doing today exactly what I wanted then. You just want to get my attention, let me know that you are alright. You just want to be close to me. Well I am glad, so glad you are alright, that we are alright. I love holding you and will try harder not to be selfish. You make me so happy, your smile, your chunky thighs, your bald head. That is what I want to remember, that is what I am going to remember. One day you are going to ask me what you were like as a baby, I will tell you how sweet you were and how you wanted to be close to me.