So many days I have been frustrated by you. When talking to people I refer to you as my difficult child. Today I began reflecting on this after a friend of mine reminded me to think about what I will remember about this time in 5 years. I decided I didn’t like what I thought, it made me sad to think of you growing up, even though you will. Even though I am tired, I want to hold on to this time. Savor it, experience it, enjoy it. Every child is different, they say, and oh how true.Tonight after along day of fussing, crying and feeding, I held you asleep on my shoulder, completely relaxed, deep breathing, completely dependent. I became teary eyed and talked to you about how much you mean to me, how much I love you. I am sorry if I have blamed you for the way I feel. It is not you, it is my attitude. Having a baby isn’t about me, but about you. For months while pregnant with you last year I wanted you to kick, I wanted you to get my attention. It was such a tough time for us and we went through so much, I wanted to know that you were alright. You are doing today exactly what I wanted then. You just want to get my attention, let me know that you are alright. You just want to be close to me. Well I am glad, so glad you are alright, that we are alright. I love holding you and will try harder not to be selfish. You make me so happy, your smile, your chunky thighs, your bald head. That is what I want to remember, that is what I am going to remember. One day you are going to ask me what you were like as a baby, I will tell you how sweet you were and how you wanted to be close to me.
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